It is 12:30am, and in about eleven hours this past year's journey will come to an end and an entirely new journey will begin. All my boys are sleeping soundly - I have checked on them all about ten times in the past hour trying to memorize every inch of their faces. I painted my toes pink and put on a million layers of topcoat because although it seems silly, I know the next two weeks are going to be hard, and somehow knowing that my toes are pretty and pink makes me feel better. I talked with Jessica's mom tonight and she gave me answers to questions I didn't even know I had. What an incredible woman. She's pretty sure I'll be in a medium security yard, and said that the women in there are actually the kindest. That I'll most likely be without air conditioning but with a swamp cooler, and that I should buy a fan and an ice chest because they will get me through the summer. Oh, and my laundry will need to be washed in the sink with a bar of soap - makes me think of Shawshank Redemption. Ha. It is definitely going to be an experience. I'm calling it fat camp, by the way.
I've been able to see many of you, had the opportunity to tell you I'm sorry, that I love you, to hug you and say goodbye. But just in case I haven't...
I want to say how sorry I am. I have failed you all so greatly. There isn't a person in my life to whom I don't owe an apology. The depth and breadth of hurt I have caused everyone crushes my heart. I wish I could go back and change things - I wish I could do something to repair things now. But my words are insufficient. So I do the only thing I know to do; I pray every day that God would heal what I have broken. I am thankful that I am being held accountable. It hurts...a lot, but I am thankful that I have a God that loves me enough to pull me out of darkness, no matter what it takes. I will consider the next (hopefully) couple of years not simply as punishment, but as discipline. For punishment can bring about bitterness but discipline brings wisdom, strength, and restoration.
Thank you so much for still being there. For loving me through this. 1 John 4:12 says "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." I never understood how God's love could be made more complete through people - until now. The forgiveness and mercy you have shown me, the love I have felt from you in the past year has been life-changing. Truly God's love has been made complete through you. I will be forever grateful.
Please know that I will be thinking of you all, and I will write you personally as soon as I can, but for quite a few weeks, months even, I will have very few resources to do so. This will be my lifeline with you. I am from this point on entrusting this blog to my mother-in-law, sister, niece and Carlina. They will post letters from me and will keep you updated on everything they know, or learn or just find interesting :) I hope you will stay on this journey with me - I want you to be able to see God turn our mourning into joy.
